a few thoughts on my mental state

[chris raettig <chris@raettig.org>]

i guess friday was a turbulent one. in fact i think it almost shook
the inner peace i've been maintaining since i returned to london after
christmas. and it wasn't even anything particular that did it. i think
thats often the case. it was more the messy, fuzzy and growing collection
of things on my mind. things that i'm apt to worry about, because i'm
the kind of person that worries about things. none of these things
are particularly world shattering on their own. but when there are
lots of little things nagging away at you, they can amount to a general
feeling of wretchedness, without any clearly defined cause that
can be identified and surmounted. a sort of woolly feeling of negativity.

the only thing to do is remember that life is good, but these things
happen. and to at least attempt to list the causes of that negativity.

so here's that list...

1. toothache. i'm actually rather worried about my teeth. i spent
large amounts of money last year on dental work. i'm famous for
my sweet tooth and hence we could see that coming a mile off. 
when they said open wide, i didn't realise that they meant my wallet. 
since then things have been much better. but now my toothache has
returned and is causing my severe and constant pain. also; looking
at my teeth they look in a real mess. i worry that i'm going to
end up losing them before i can afford what i suspect would be the
serious dental work required to put things properly in order.

2. finances. death and money are two things most people are reluctant
to discuss with much frankness or at much length. however. i'm
dangerously badly organised when it comes to money. its so artificial
that it doesnt mean that much to me, until people get irrate that
i haven't put the right numbers in the right place at the right time.
money is just a very poor indicator of wealth. 

for the time being though money is something i have to live with. which
means fulfilling my aim for the year of achieving financial responsibility
and attempting to deal with the mess i've left behind myself over
the last few years. its not that i haven't been earning good money, its
just that i'm constantly living just slightly beyond my means. 

its just bad karma to spend more than you have. its not something i ever
want to do again. however i have a moderate amount of debt accrued
which i must pay off not just because i owe it, but because i wont
achieve the independence, freedom and mental assurity i need until
i've done so. 

here is what i currently owe;

gbp1000 - barclays visa
gbp750  - barclays mastercard
gbp3280 - natwest gold visa
gbp500  - natwest overdraft, advantage gold account
gbp4500 - natwest loan (approx. balance)


this ties back to my turbulent friday in that i chose to work through
my finances on that day, which means opening my physical mail. something
i very rarely do. 

i was quite drunk at the time on several bottles of merlot. insobriety
is the only way to deal with money in any serious way. 

it turns out that natwest have chosen to close my gold visa account
because i forgot to pay the minimum payment. i just clean forgot. 
so they have demanded the outstanding balance back within 14 days
unless i arrange other repayment terms with them. 

i just need to gradually pay what i owe. but i'm the least financially
organised person i know. and because i'm quite an extreme person, 
doing anything gradually doesn't sit well with me.

3. showstudio. aside from live events i've got an important new
project to work on. whilst moderately enjoyable and challenging there
is a lot of pressure to get it done as soon as possible. so naturally,
given that i'm a worrier, i shall worry.

4. warm company. setting up a business was always going to mean worry.
a million things that need doing, and doing well.

5. moving flat. they say that moving is one of the most stressful life
events. i really hate moving. which partially explains why i haven't
done so in a year despite a horrendous noisy neighbour problem. its
definitely a very positive thing that i'm finally moving, but it
just adds to the million things i need to remember to sort out. life
has gotten rather crowded.


this seems like quite a negative entry so far. which was inevitable. i've
just listed as accurately as i can all of the things which are worrying
me at the moment and which amounted to a bit of a mental mallaise on
friday. i actually felt quite a bit better after a lush meal and
conversation at my local japanese restaurant. 

i'm feeling pretty alright today. though i need to be careful. i really
dont want to lose the amazingly positive feeling and centeredness
i've been enjoying since the year began. i need to remind myself
of something i do believe; that all of these negatives are terrifically
unimportant on the global scheme of things. they matter very little.

this /is/ going to be an interesting year. and i'm resolute about
dealing in positivity. its just that i'm imperfect and i'm still
getting the hang of this. i'm not as zenlike as i'd like to be.
but i'm learning. 


more to come.