love and the single programmer

[chris raettig <chris@raettig.org>]

i am single. i think for the first time in my life i'm just
very slightly uncomfortable with that. until this point i've been 
happy in relationships, and just as happy, though in a different way, 
on my own. i quite genuinely have. i've never been the kind of person 
who needs to have a partner in order to feel complete. being single suits me. 
my life is incredibly productive right now. relationships ruin
my focus and achieving the things i want to achieve relies on
being able to shut out things irrelevant to those goals. 

so why am i suddenly yearning for a partner? i really dont
know what has changed. 

dont get me wrong, i'm not feeling desperate. i'm certainly not
feeling unloved. yearning was probably the wrong word. its really
not a big deal. i just find myself wishing i were in a relationship
more than i used to. i guess these things happen. it would be
too easy to read too much into it. 

my casual and convenient relationship with akiko, the japanese
sushi godess continues. but its not a dynamic i can maintain forever.
i need greater emotional nourishment.

i'm working for a company (warmco) founded on the concept of loving
everyone and it really fits with me.

but there are some kinds of love you just cant give in a corporate
context. or receive. 

at least not without being arrested.


nor is this encroaching feeling purely, or even predominantly (if at all), a
sexual thing. what i'm lacking is somebody to care for. to love.
and in return to be cared for and loved by. 


its strange, in a way. obtaining this would very likely break my
concentrational and focal stamina. it would reduce my productivity
and i'm happier than ever with the projects i'm working on and
the life i'm leading. 

it would probably mean breaking that just in order to put myself
in a situation where i might have an increased likelihood of
obtaining it. i'm not explaining this very well. the lifestyle
i have chosen for myself does not place me in the kinds of situations
where love is even remotely likely to come along. and i'm happy
with the lifestyle i have chosen for myself. its an unusual quandry.

or maybe it isnt.


the very fact of me writing about this makes it seem like a larger
part of my life than it is. its one of those journal entries that
could easily be taken out of context or blown out of proportion. 
but it is *some* part of my life, some spark of thought mixed
amongst all the others. and if this journal is in any
way to convey my thoughts and feelings i couldn't possibly
shy away from such subjects.